


The Decisions We Make

by VictoriousVictoria



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst, Follows the events in the manga/anime, Light has no memories of being Kira, M/M, Nightmares, POV L, Suicidal Thoughts, What-If, Yotsuba Arc, at least initially
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-06-30
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:00:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24340228
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VictoriousVictoria/pseuds/VictoriousVictoria
Summary: “Ryuzaki I think you’re right about me, I think that at one point I was Kira”Light decides to trust L when he admits that he too suspects himself of being Kira and asks L for help in preventing him from becoming Kira again. L agrees, mostly because he thinks this is part of the game the two of them are playing. A game that is getting more and more complicated by the minute since chaining himself to Light has forced L to face the fact that he is attracted to his main suspect. And maybe his feelings run deeper still… With L and Light closing in on the person acting as Kira at Yotsuba will Light's admission change anything? Or are they destined to once again become enemies?
Relationships: L/Yagami Light
Comments: 55
Kudos: 280





	1. The Decision To Ask For Help

“Ryuzaki I think you’re right about me.”

The statement is spoken to a room that is empty except for the two of them. It is not spoken as a response to anything, Light had been pondering something in silence before suddenly deciding to speak up. L stops his typing, the quiet noise from the chain that links them together also stops as his hands still on the keyboard.

“Right about what?”, L answers without turning away from his computer. He of course knows what Light is referring to but playing dumb serves the dual purpose of forcing Light to clarify himself, which might cause him to revile more than he wishes in the process, and, more importantly, of annoying Light.

“I think that at one point I was Kira”, Light answers calmly.

“Yes, that is the most likely scenario”, L agrees. Why exactly Light has decided to tell him this, L is not sure. Of course it is some plan of Light’s, but the endgame is still unclear. L is, however, willing to play along for the time being, as he always does. “Are you about to suggest that we imprison you again?”

“No, I… I would rather not go through that again. Besides, it would prove nothing”, still spoken calmly. “I’m not Kira anymore.”

“So it would seem.”

“And I have no memories of killing, well, anyone!” a hint of desperation slips into Light’s voice, enough to make L shift and actually look at him. He looks upset. It might be an act, it is so difficult to tell with Light. He could have gone into acting if he had wished to, he certainly has the looks for it. Even L finds Light distractingly beautiful at times. It is quite inconvenient actually, to be attracted to the main suspect in a murder investigation of which he is the leader.

“Then why do you suspect yourself this time?” L asks, deciding to play along for now. Maybe Light will say or admit to something he has previously kept quiet about. Unlikely, seeing as it was Light who suggested this little game. “When you were incarcerated didn’t you say that you believe that Kira knows what they are doing? Do you have any memories of acting as Kira?”

“If Kira can kill by only knowing the name and face of a person, it seems no more impossible that once a person no longer has the power of Kira they also lose their memories of being Kira,” Light answers, swiftly ducking the question L notes. “We know that the current Kira is most likely not the original one, and me being Kira… It makes sense. Raye Penber was investigating me before he died. Then Misa shows up from out of nowhere and claims to be my girlfriend. We know that she was the one who sent the videotapes to the TV station with Kira II’s message and that Kira II was really interested in meeting Kira I. For two of your main suspects to all of a sudden be dating… Of course you think I am Kira, and I… Maybe I do too…”

“So what you are saying is that you believe that at one point you were Kira, but that you have lost all your memories of it?”

“Yes.”

The confidence that answer is spoken with, along with Light’s reasoning, makes L believe that Light has been suspecting himself for a while now. Probably ever since it became obvious that the Kira who is killing people now is not the same person as the original Kira. However, up until now Light has chosen to keep quiet about his suspicions. Why has he decided on telling L now? Does Light want L to believe that the power Kira has moves around and that it will never return to Light? Or does Light think that it will make him less of a suspect now if he admits to at one point having been Kira? If he is still Kira then it would be to his advantage if he convinced L that the power of Kira has moved on. Maybe Light hopes that L will believe him and cut back on the surveillance giving him an opportunity to…

“I know what you are thinking and you are wrong”, Light cuts off L’s thought process. The tone of his voice implies that he is tired of L’s paranoia. Well that is going nowhere since it is what has kept L alive for so long. “I am not trying to trick you into releasing me, I know you would never do that until the Kira case is thoroughly wrapped up and all lose ends taken care of. I am asking for your help.”

“Help with what?”

“Help with ensuring that I never become Kira again,” Light is doing that thing where he looks you directly in the eyes to show how sincere he is. L hates it because looking away would be losing but staring back into Light’s stupidly pretty eyes also feels a bit like losing. He keeps eye contact anyways, he might not be as good an actor as Light but L has a near perfect poker face.

“Why?”

Light looks upset that L would even ask that. L almost feels like smiling but keeps the poker face intact, they are still holding eye contact and it will offend Light more if he believes L is being sincere. He is being petty and he knows it, but riling Light up seems like an appropriate revenge for the way Light is trying to manipulate him into agreeing. Because that is what that face is meant to do, whether Light himself is actively aware of his own reasons for doing it or not. 

“Why?! Because Kira is a monster and I…” Light actually stands up from his chair, breaking eye contact. L counts it as a small victory. Light would probably be pacing the room but the chain keeps him from moving more than a few steps away from where L is sitting crouched on his chair. “I don’t want to believe that I ever could do, or be made to do something like that but if I was… I don’t ever want to be… that… again.”

“And what if it can’t be stopped?”

“Together we can figure out a way to stop it, I know it.”

“But what if we can’t?”

“It depends on the circumstances. If Kira is controlling me I want you to be able to recognize that so that you and the others can devise a way to free me from the control.”

“And if you are not being controlled?”

Light draws a deep breath and turns to look at L again. “I have no right to ask for special treatment. If I become Kira again and if I’m not being controlled by anyone then I should be tried and sentenced just like anyone else.”

It might be a trick, L simply does not understand Light’s reasoning for turning to him for help. Light has nothing to gain by this and he is only making himself seem more suspicious. L needs time to think it through, to figure out what Light is playing at now.  
“I’ll think about it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this story has been stuck in my head literally for years. I soooo wanted to read it and one day I realized that the only way that was going to happen was if I wrote it myself (stupid stories that cannot just write themselves into existence, am I right?). So I did and it took me forever. I have most of it finished already and I will be posting updates somewhat regularly.


	2. The decision to play along

“I’ve thought about it and I’ve decided to help stop you from becoming Kira again.”

Light looks over at L, he was in the process of buttoning up his shit but his hands still. It is early morning. There would be light shining in through the window if the blinds weren’t drawn. The blinds are almost always drawn; L doesn’t want anyone to be able to spy on them through the windows. Never mind the fact that they are on the 18th floor and that the tallest nearby building is only twelve stories tall.

Despite that the room is not quite dark, it is bathing in a grey light created by the sun being filtered through the blinds. L has been forced to abandon his work temporarily in order to remove the handcuff so that Light might change out of his pyjamas. L tells himself that there is no harm in looking at Light getting changed. After all he has to keep a close watch on Light, especially when he is not handcuffed. Right now he is addressing Light so it isn’t too weird, at least not with L’s track record, for him to be staring.

“I’m assuming you have a plan that you want me to assist you with?” L continues in his usual monotone. He has carefully considered whether or not to go along with this idea of Light’s for over a day but could find no reason not to agree. Besides, he would very much like to know what Light’s plan is.

“I do, just let me finish getting dressed first and then I’ll explain,” Light finishes with his shirt and gives himself a quick onceover in the mirror. He looks beautiful, as always, but has begun developing dark circles around his eyes which remind L vaguely of his own. However, while they give L and owlish look, they just serve to make Light look worn out. Light is not sleeping well. It is because of the nightmares.

Light moves over to where L is sitting on one of the two beds in the room and holds out his arm towards L, waiting as L refastens the handcuff. “Ideally we should attempt to figure out how the powers Kira possesses are transferred and then prevent me from gaining them again. We are already investigating this, and I don’t believe we have any new leads? Do you have any theories Ryuzaki?”

“No,” L has some vague ideas, the word shinigami has come up once too many to be purely coincidental, but nothing he wants so share with Light.

“Well, we are close to capturing this new Kira and when we do we should be able to figure out how it is done,” Light says. The words are confident but despite that Light seems worried. He sits down on the other bed facing L, the chain hangs slack between them, and as he continuous talking his expression turns more serious. “But… Just to be safe… As I said when we last spoke about this I want you to be able to recognize when I am not being myself.”

“In case you become Kira again?” L wonders if this is the reason Light seems worried? Or maybe he is just pretending to be worried…

“Yes.”

“Is this your way of saying that I should get to know you better?”

“I guess you could put it like that,” Light actually smiles at that. Why does he have to look so cute when he smiles?

“So how do you suppose we go about that?”

“Well you already know me pretty well after being chained to me for weeks. Also, you are a genius too so you should be able to recognize if my behaviour starts to change and if I’m acting out of character…”

“I don’t know about that Light, you are a formidable actor,” L cuts in.

“… But, I thought I would tell you some things to look out for. Like for example, if I start hanging out with Misa a lot, or say that we are dating, that should tell you that I’m not entirely being myself.”

“Dating a pretty women would be you acting out of character? You have dated a lot of women since we started investigating you, it seems to fit your profile nicely.”

“Misa is not my type,” Light’s voice is even, his tone almost joking, but he does not elaborate. L is pretty sure the question made Light uncomfortable, but it is hard to tell. For all of Light’s talk about wanting L to see though his lies and notice when he is acting out of character, Light still keeps his walls firmly in place. L wonders if Light’s unwillingness to elaborate is him not wanting to admit to not being attracted to women. But maybe L interpreting Light’s short answer as Light being unwilling to talk about his preferences is just him projecting his own preferences on Light...

“Another thing you should be wary of,” Light continues in a more serious tone, “is if I start denying ever having been Kira and argue against my current reasoning. Unless we identify who the original Kira and Kira II were or learn that it is impossible for me to have ever possessed the power, that is.”

All of a sudden L has an idea. Maybe, if he could steer the conversation in the right direction, he could get a glimpse behind the walls Light has surrounded himself with. Or get some of his suspicions regarding the case confirmed. All he has to do is nudge the conversation in a slightly different direction…

“Light you are intelligent enough to know that this isn’t going to work. If you tell me these things and then regain your memories, all you have to do in order to avoid suspicion is not do any of the things you warned me of. This advice is useless.”

“But if I tell you these things I will limit what Kira can do if he wants to avoid looking suspicious.”

That is actually ingenious, L has to give Light that. He is unwillingly impressed, it probably shows on his face and he doesn’t make an effort to cover it up.

“Clever. But I don’t think that will be enough.”

“So what would you suggest?” Light asks, he sounds almost eager. L would smile, but it would give the game away.

“Hmm…” L taps his chin with his index finger, pretending to think about it. “Getting to know the real Light Yagami might be a good start.”

“I haven’t been allowed to leave your side for weeks. Are you are saying that even after that you do not know the “real” me?” The quotations around the word “real” is audible in Lights voice.

“Oh I know the part of you that you want people to see. And I know that you are proud and can throw a punch. It hurt by the way, I’m lucky your aim was slightly off or I would have gotten a black eye.”

“I wasn’t aiming for your eye.”

“You’re only saying that because you missed.” Ah, and there is the pride, Light honestly looks offended. Whether at the thought that he would intentionally aim for someone’s eye when hitting them in the face, or that he would miss, L has no idea.

Maybe both.

Probably both.

Anyways, Light is distracted which is good. He hasn’t realized what L is building up to.

“What I don’t know is the part of you that makes you believe that you are Kira.”

Light looks slightly surprised at this. “I’ve already told you about why I think that I’m Kira”

“You have told me about the evidence that I already know of that point towards you being Kira. That is not the same thing,”

“So what do you want me to say?”

“You could start by truthfully answering some of my questions.” L waits for Light to call him out on treating him like a suspect and fishing for information related to the case. But his plan to take control of the conversation seems to have worked this far because Light simply shrugs.

“I guess… If it will help stop me from becoming Kira again.”

There is still no guarantee that Light will answer the questions truthfully, if at all. But L has gotten permission to ask, which, in itself, is further than he has gotten before without Light protesting and hiding behind pretty smiles, lies and diversions.

“Do you think what Kira is doing is right from a moral standpoint?” L asks. It’s a good question to start out with. On the one hand, if Light was possessed by Kira and has lost all memories of it, knowing to what extent Light agrees with Kira’s ideals will definitely be useful in telling if Light has turned back into Kira. On the other hand, if Light is bluffing right now and this is part of a bigger scheme, the answer to the question may clue L in on that being the case.

“Not the current Kira,” the answer comes quickly and without a doubt.

“But the original one?” L prompts. “Before you were incarcerated you said that you thought that the world would be a better place if some of the more dangerous criminals were executed. I need to know if the ideology is Kira’s alone or if it is yours. It might help me determine if you are Light or Kira later on.”

Light pauses and closes his eyes, seemingly deep in thought.

“The current Kira kills criminals just as the original Kira, but…” Light hesitates, he is looking at L now as if willing him to try to understand the next part. “The original Kira was more thorough, they made an effort not to kill people who had killed others by accident, or who hadn’t planned to murder someone and obviously regretted it afterwards. The Kira we are dealing with now doesn’t seem to take this into consideration, I’m sure you have noticed this as well,” Light pauses, waiting for confirmation of this from L. L nods, and Light continues, “I suppose what I’m trying to say is that the original Kira’s way of doing things is closer to my own ideals. I do sometimes think that there are people that the world would be better off without, but, who hasn’t thought that at some point? I don’t believe I would go as far as murder in order to try to improve the world. There are better ways to achieve change.”

L nods again. The answer was not at all unexpected.

“Of course, you are a person of very strict morals. Even though you don’t seem to care much for Misa you still wouldn’t use the fact that she is in love with you to get more information from her. Even though it would help the case. Tell me, do you think that you could bring yourself to do it if the circumstances were different? Say that we knew for sure that she knew something about the Kira case that we didn’t, but refused to tell you unless you agreed to go on a real date with her. Would you do it?”

“You are not going to get me to change my mind and help you manipulate Misa by being hypothetical L. She most likely knows nothing and I’m not going to do treat her like that. No matter my opinion of her.”

“I’m not trying to change your mind. I was simply wondering if you would be capable of using someone’s feelings against them under the right circumstances.”

“And you’re asking this in order to be able to tell if I’m acting out of character?” Light asks. L nods. “Well… If I knew for sure that it would help save others I think that it would be selfish not to do it. But I would not enjoy doing it.”

“Of course not,” L agrees blankly. “Just out of curiosity, how did you and Misa meet?”

“She showed up at my house…” Light frowns as if his trying to remember the details.

“Did she say why she was there?”

For only a millisecond Light almost looks scared. “It’s strange, she said that she came over to return a notebook that I had forgotten in class. But she does not attend To-Oh University so I can’t imagine how she found it.”

L doesn’t really know what to do with that information at the moment. There is definitely something missing but if Light really has lost his memories of being Kira then maybe this is one of the memories that has been affected by that. L files the new information away in his mind and decides to return to it at a later point. In the meantime he decides to switch tracks in the conversation.

“Did you at some point learn Raye Penber’s name before he died?”

Light goes quiet for a moment.

“I fail to see how this question will help you determine if I am being myself,” Light levels L with a slightly accusing stare. It is as good as a confession, but it probably means that this little Q&A session is over. L is not very upset at the thought, he already managed to gain some interesting new information from it. He decides to through one last question out there, just to see how Light reacts to it.

“I guess it won’t,” L shrugs. “Did you ever meet Penber’s fiancé Naomi Misora?

“No, and I didn’t know about Penber either until you told me about him,” Light seems rather upset. L can practically see the moment Light realizes what L’s been doing. “You are just using this as a way of trying to gain more information about the Kira case aren’t you?” and of course he reacts strongly, Light hates it when he walks into one of L’s traps. As he continuous speaking his voice gets louder. “I can’t believe you! You still think that I am Kira? Of course you do! And this is just me acting, isn’t it? You think this is just some elaborate scheme? You are so paranoid!”

For a moment L believes that Light is going to hit him again. He does not.

What Light does instead is rub at his temple and heave a deep sigh. He seems to calm down slightly but L can tell that Light is angry still.

“I should have known you wouldn’t help me. I bet you think of this as some sort of game. You don’t understand…” the words are bitter. “I don’t want to talk to you any more right now. Come on, the others are probably waiting for us to show up,” Light says in a tightly controlled voice. He gets up and starts walking out of the room which forces L to follow behind him.

* * *

Light is still angry that evening. L, tired of Light’s bad mood agreed to turn in early. Before chaining himself to Light, L was in the habit of working through the night. He has a hard time falling asleep, unless he is absolutely exhausted, due to his insomnia. Light, however, insists on getting a certain number of hours of sleep every night. It complicated things in the beginning, and led to a lot of… Disagreements… They have since then come to an agreement, L moves his work to their bedroom when Light wants to go to sleep. Meanwhile, Light has gotten used to falling asleep despite the dim light from L’s computer and the sound of typing on a keyboard.

Of course Light did his best today to cover up his bad mood, especially around the other investigators. However, L could still tell that he was mad from the way he answered the other’s questions in a slightly more impatient tone than he would usually, and the short, if possible monosyllabic, answers L has been met with. Light has also been unusually distracted, his thoughts seeming to stray whenever he was not actively being involved in a discussion about the case. None of the others noticed a thing. It is because none of them know and understand Light the way L does. It is a dangerous thought to take comfort in, he should probably take care so that he does not fool himself into thinking that he truly knows Light.

Light and L usually does not talk much as Light gets ready for bed. L is still focusing on work and he guesses that Light is too tired to be interested in speaking, probably because of the way their conversations tend to turn into verbal duels. Light probably prefers to have a clear head and all his wits about him before engaging in one of those. Well, L thinks, it really is more fun to challenge Light at his full capacity. When challenging Light became about having fun L has no idea and frankly it is a bit worrying how much he enjoys talking with Light. Though, L justifies, it is only natural that he would think that it is nice to talk with someone who can keep up, and sometimes even outpace and surprise him, for once.

Despite his bad mood Light, ever polite, still wishes L a good night before laying down in his bed and pulling the covers over himself. L, from where he is crouched in his usual position on top of his own bed with his computer balanced on top of his lap, turn his head in Light’s direction and answers with a simple “good night Light” of his own.

It does not take long for Light to fall asleep. L wonders how he does it. Not having insomnia probably helps. Also, it fits neatly along with how well disciplined Light is. But no matter how well disciplined you are, you still cannot control your thoughts, least of all while you are asleep. It does not take long before L’s attention is pulled away from his work by a quiet, slightly distressed, sound coming from the other bed. He tries to ignore it. It is just Light having a nightmare. Again. Just yesterday night, when shook awake, Light had woke up almost with a scream. Before that he had been mumbling erratically, L has managed to pick out the word “innocent” and something like “I could never”. From that he could guess what the dream was about, he only wonders if Light, in the dream, was defending himself to a judge or his father. The relationship between the elder Yagami and his son has certainly been affected by the circumstances surrounding Light release from confinement.

The sounds coming from the other bed now turn into words, mumbled into the bedsheets and almost impossible to distinguish. The words are sounding increasingly distressed as they rise slightly in volume. There is no use pretending that Light’s time in that cell and the events of his release left no marks on him. The boy, and Light still is only a boy, not even 20 years old which is easy to forget when faced with that fierce intellect, is traumatized from what has happened to him. And it is L’s fault. A part of L feels disgusted by what he has been pushed to do to Light. L is just about to cave in to that part and wake Light up, as he has done so many night before, when he catches some of the words Light is mumbling.

“I don’t want to… no, no, I don’t… it’s not me… I don’t want to become… Leave me alone…” Light is tossing and turning in his sleep. L hesitates, he is already standing on the floor with his arm outstretched towards Light, he wonders if Light will say something more. This particular night mare… Light might have had it before. It is not always easy to tell what Light is dreaming about when all L has to go on is his mumblings. However, this is the first time that L hears it and understands. L feels cold all over as he realizes that maybe he missed what scares Light the most. And it is not being locked away, watched, judged or even dying.

“I’m not y… Get out of my head!”

L reaches over to Light and carefully places a hand on the others shoulder. Light’s whole body jerks away from the contact. He snaps awake and his eyes are huge, wild even. He looks absolutely terrified for a moment. Then he seems to remember where he is. L keeps eye contact and waits for Light to collect himself before slowly moving away, returning to his own bed and sitting down with one leg still on the floor and the other pulled up against himself. He carefully observes Light as Light also sits up in his bed and takes a breath to collect himself. Then he smiles apologetically, first at the floor but after another breath the smile turns to L.

“Thank you for waking me Ryuzaki. I had a nightmare… again. Sorry for bothering you.”

“You did not disturb me, I was not asleep,” L answers and gestures towards his laptop which is now placed on L’s bed, screen still alight. He does not mention that Light had been talking in his sleep, he never does.

Light nods and turn his head to look at the windows, where the blinds are still drawn. The smile is slipping slightly. They sit in silence for a while. Then Light yawns, it looks completely genuine and it might be. However, L would be willing to bet that it is not.

“Well, I’ll go back to sleep now. Good night,” and with that Light lies down again.

Light always does this, or some variant of it. And then he lies awake for hours, pretending to sleep. Maybe it is an attempt to save face, to comply with his pride and not feel like a scared child. Or, maybe, it is Light’s way of dispelling an awkward situation.

It is not as if Light would want to talk about it.

It is not as if L could offer any kind of comfort.

It is not in their nature. Light does not open up and L has never been good at soothing others.

Light does not manage to fall asleep again. L can tell by the sound of his breathing. L himself cannot manage to concentrate on his work. His thoughts keep circling back to Light. Because he understands now. Light is terrified. Not of getting caught, not of losing to L, but of himself and of what he might be capable of… of what he might have done… of what he might be capable of doing.

The confidence that Light was displaying when ensuring L that together they could stop Light from regaining Kira’s powers, was that genuine? Or was it a façade? Thinking back to that conversation L wonders if Light had not been scared even then, the confidence might just have been a way to seem in control of the situation.

However, the truth is that Light is scared enough to ask L for help, and, by doing so, strengthening the case against himself. He is willing to do that on the off chance that L can somehow manage to save Light from himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The fandom has had many questions and theories about how L and Light go about their daily routines while chained together. Some theories less serious then others, I remember seeing some fanart that suggested that Light wore shirts that was easy to just tear off and that's how he removed his shirt, that theory did not answer how he got into the shirts in the first place but now I'm just being a killjoy. 
> 
> In some fanfics they share a bed and sometimes they even shower together. I know how much people enjoy bedsharing being included in a fanfic, however, I'm trying to stay as close to the manga as possible (or at least as close to my interpretation of the manga as possible) and that means that they each have their own bed (placed maybe 0,5 meters apart) and no tearaway shirts. For that I apologize.


	3. The decision to believe the truth (however improbable)

The next night they are back to their usual schedule, which means that they are still working even after everyone else has gone home. The clock on L’s computer showed 10:15 pm when Matsuda finally announced that he was going home for today. It is now past 10.30 and Light has not given any indication of wanting to retire for the evening. Considering how little sleep Light got last night L had expected him to want to retire early today. The usually faint dark circles around Light’s eyes were not faint at all today. He actually looked so worn out that the other investigators took notice. L was told by more than one of them that he should not force Light to keep his schedule. At least Soichiro put some of the blame where it actually belonged and told Light to take better care of himself.

Light’s bad mood from yesterday seems to have lifted. L is not sure if that means he has been forgiven or if Light simply is too exhausted to keep it up. He did not correct the others when they assumed that the reason he was tired was because he had stayed up late working. Probably because he is too proud to admit to having nightmares, L thinks.

Thinking about Light and nightmares brings back the issue L has been pondering on and off for the entire day. Light remembers more than he lets on, L has proven this to himself already. He knew Penber’s name before joining the investigation and he knows… something… about Misora too. This should be enough evidence for L to be sure that Light is Kira. Because how can you possible murder hundreds of people and then just forget about it, and everything related to it. It should not be possible. Especially seeing as Light has suffered no head trauma that could account for the memory loss and how he still has other memories from the same time period. Still, L now believes him when he says that he has lost the powers and memories of Kira. If something so impossible as a power that lets you kill from a distance, as long as you know the name and face of a person, exists, then why not this.

He needs to tell Light, maybe that will remove some of the pressure placed on him and ease the fear a little bit. Since they are alone he should probably do it now…

“I believe you when you say that you’re not Kira anymore.”

Light stops working and turns towards L.

“Thank you,” he smiles. The smile is small and tired but it looks genuine. It probably is genuine, L reminds himself. Light is genuinely happy that L no longer suspects him of being Kira. Not right now at least. He is happy to have L believe him. L finds himself matching the smile with a small one of his own.

“And I will, to the best of my abilities, try to stop you from becoming Kira again”, L continues. “We are closing in on the new Kira, we now know that it is one of the seven at Yotsuba. When we figure out which one we can concentrate on discovering how the murders are carried out and how the power is transferred.”

“Once we know that the rest should be easy”, Light replies still smiling, knowing it is genuine L feels his heart skip a beat.

“Let’s hope so. I much prefer working with you than against you.”

They hold eye contact. The moment feels important. Maybe this is the moment where they turn the case around. Maybe this is the moment that will save Light...

Maybe L is being sentimental right now.

They should probably turn in for the night.

* * *

The week goes by and L and Light manage to pull off the next part of their plan which is to get Misa hired by the Yotsuba concern. According to Aiber she performed well at the interview, the seven at Yotsuba did not suspect a thing.

Misa did get a bit upset when they told her that the plan had changed and that she would no longer charm the suspects, and go on dates with them, in order to gather information. However, since it was Light that insisted on this change of plans she did not make too much of a fuss. Still she was awfully quick when it came to accepting the changes. It makes L wonder if she has plans of her own. He hopes that she will try to carry out their original plan and decides not to intervene.

Right now, however, it is time to celebrate a good day’s work. L seems to remember there being some leftover cake in the kitchen on this floor. Instead of asking Watari for it he decides to go and get it for himself. Which of course means that Light has to tag along.

“Can I get you anything?” L asks as he rummages through the refrigerator.

“No, we had dinner not even an hour ago. I don’t understand how you can eat pancakes drenched in syrup for dinner and now want cake”, Light makes a face.

“It is celebratory cake. We are closing in on Kira”, L points out. The cake is removed from the refrigerator and placed on a plate. “Since we are closing in I was wondering… You were once Kira. And then the power of Kira was transferred to someone at Yotsuba.”

“That is not a question”, Light says. L waits for him to continue. After a short pause, as if Light too had been waiting for L to carry on the conversation, he does. “But it is the hypothesis we are working from at the moment, yes.”

L guesses this means that Light is curious as to why he is asking. Good, this makes it more likely that he will answer L’s questions.

“Did it happen because you chose to give up the power or because there was someone behind the curtains, so to speak, who gave you the power and then chose to take it away and give it to somebody else?”

Light sights.

“I see what you’re getting at. If there is someone behind the curtains then, even if we do catch whoever is acting as Kira at Yotsuba, the power will simply be transferred again. Unfortunately I don’t know. I have no memories of it, remember?”

“Yes, but I want to know which alternative seems more likely to you?” L asks. Light looks like he might want to protest. He probably needs some reassuring. “This is important, I believe it might help us figure out how the power is transferred which in turn might help me determine if you are Kira.”

“You really are going to start taking this seriously? You want to be able to tell whether I am Kira or not?” Light is looking straight at him now, probably trying to read his expression in order to determine if L means what he says. L does his best to look sincere.

“I thought that was obvious from our conversation the other day. I want to work with you, not against you.”

At that Light just gives L a look. “Nothing about you is obvious”, he answers.

“I am an open book”, L deadpans. Light snorts, which is unusually undignified and at the same time incredibly cute. “But returning to my question…?”

“And this is not just you fishing for information that might incriminate me again?” Light asks.

“I fail to see how answering this question could give me any information which I could use to that end”

Light considers this for a moment. Then nods to himself as if to indicate that he agrees with L's previous statement.

“Based on those assumptions I would say that I chose to give up the power. I don’t think it very likely that there is someone who gives and takes away the power. They would have to have had complete surveillance of me, you and Misa in order to pull this off. Also I don’t see the point in waiting until the last minute to transfer the power from me and Misa and in doing so risk you finding out how the murders are carried out. ”

“I agree. This means that we must not give this new Kira the chance to transfer the power to someone else.”

Light nods. “So we need to put the person we suspect of being Kira in a situation where he cannot give away the power and is forced to show us how he kills his victims.”

Again, L is reminded of how fun it is to discuss the details of a case with someone who is on the same level as him. Figuring a case out is always exhilarating in its own way but sharing the experience with someone is new to him. He would not mind doing it more often. He wonders what will become of them after the Kira case. Will Light go back to his old life? Finish university and then what?

L wonders if they will ever get the chance to work together again, after the Kira case.

* * *

It is early evening and L is sitting crouched on a couch in Misa’s living room. Light is sitting next to him and Misa is in an armchair across from them. Only about half an hour ago she returned from her new job as the star of the commercial for the Yotsuba concern. L wanted to know if she had some new information that might be of interest for the case, and had thus decided to pay her a visit. Misa did not have anything new to report. She was, however, thrilled to have Light come over and wasted no time in engaging him in a conversation about her day on set. L simply observes the two of them. Misa used to complain about L being creepy because of the way he was always watching her when she was together with Light. He still does that, obviously, but recently Misa seems to have warmed up to him. Maybe she has gotten used to the fact that Light and L are a package deal, linked together by a literal chain.

Misa is being her usual bubbly self and Light… Well, it would not have been necessary for Light to explicitly tell L that he has no interest in Misa, as it is blatantly obvious in all of their conversations. Still Misa refuses to take the hint. If Misa still has her memories from when she was Kira II, because if Light was Kira then Misa must have been Kira II, her persistence makes sense. She is simply keeping an eye on her accomplice, waiting for him to regain his memories. So L watches her for clues, or anything really, that will tell him whether or not Light has turned. He does not enjoy watching Misa throw herself at Light. Watching Light trying to politely reject her makes up for it a little bit. A model is throwing herself at Light and he does not seem even a little bit interested. Not for the first time L wonders if it would have been different if it had been a male model. He ponders the thought for a moment but he has no data to support or discount the theory.

Their visit has been going on for maybe half an hour during which Misa has been talking pretty much non-stop. For the third time since they got here Light tries to hint at how busy he and L are and that they will have to get back to work soon. Misa pays him no notice. L, having concluded that nothing in Misa’s behaviour hints at Light being Kira right now and who has started to grow weary of the conversation, decides to take pity on Light.

"It is quite late, you must have had a long day today Misa. Light and I will take our leave now,” L says, completely cutting Light off. “Please keep up the good work you are doing tomorrow,” not giving Misa a chance to protest L gets up from the couch and starts moving for the door.

“Yes, of course,” Light says, “goodnight Misa”. He quickly follows L out the door.

“Do you really dislike her that much?” L asks as the door is closing behind them.

“No I…”, Light glances back at the door, making sure that it is closed before he continues, “I just don’t want to encourage her. Also, she was Kira II at some point.”

“You believe she has lost her memories of it like you have?”

“Do you honestly think that she could still have her memories and none of us would know?” Light answers. “Besides I thought that the events of our release were enough to prove that Misa is no longer Kira,” his tone is flat and face completely neutral, a clear tell that Light does not like to speak or even think about it. Neither does L to be honest. He hates how it makes him feel, like he is doubting his own decisions, regretting what he put Light through.

Light starts walking down the hallway, heading towards the elevators. L gets tugged along by the chain.

“You do not have a very high opinion of her intelligence.”

“And you do?” Light counters.

“I would say that Misa is at least above average and she is a good actor. Not as good an actor as you are, of course, but I sometimes wonder how much of that sweet bubbly girl is an act she puts on in order to make us underestimate her.”

Light looks sceptical.

“I was wondering if she has any tells that would allow me to see through her act. Even if I don’t notice the change in you I might be able to note it in Misa. If your memories return, I mean.”

“That’s a good idea, but Misa has never lied to me so I don’t know if she has any obvious tells… She tends to be a bit over enthusiastic in her acting, as we both noticed when she was practicing for the interview.”

“By that you mean that you have never caught her lying to you,” L teases.

Light looks like he wants to protest but refrains. “So have you managed to learn to tell when she is not being truthful?” he asks instead.

“I cannot tell you that. If the two of you regain your memories that information could be used against me.”

Light sighs and they both fall quiet. They have reached the elevators now, one arrives swiftly and the silence is broken by the sound it makes as the doors open letting them in.

“Are you aware of any tells you might have when you are lying?” L asks as they both step into the elevator. Light presses the button for the 18th floor. Not heading for the office then but to their shared rooms L notes.

“I rarely lie,” Light answers.

“We both know that in itself if a lie”

“When I am myself and not Kira I rarely lie,” Light answers, voice a bit strained. “And if I knew that there was some easy way of telling whether I was lying or telling the truth don’t you think I would have worked to get rid of that?”

“Speaking like a practiced liar.”

“Honestly L, we have gotten along pretty well these past days. Could you please stop trying so hard to annoy me?”

“No, annoying you is an integral part of the investigation,” L says with a small smile that he does not bother to cover up. Light heaves a deep longsuffering sigh, but L detects some fondness in it. Huh.

“How about a game?” L suggests, “You tell me three things about yourself, they may either be true or something you made up, and then I will guess which ones are real and which ones are lies.”

“I don’t think you will be able to learn anything useful from that game. It is too far removed from how one might tell a lie in a real scenario. You know that what I am telling you might be a lie for a start, so you know to look out for it.”

“It will help me learn how you construct lies that you want to be convincing,” L counters. “And the fact that when telling a lie you try to use the advantage that people won’t expecting you to be lying is already useful information.” Light does not answer, it seems like he is considering whether or not to play along.

“Besides, every time you and I have a conversation I expect at least some of it to be lies,” L adds, just to be annoying. Perhaps not the best strategy for getting Light to agree to participate in the game. When the doors to the elevator slides open at their floor Light quickly gets off and start walking down the hall.

“Why are we stopping here? Shouldn’t we get back to the office?”

“Yes, in a moment. Before that I need an aspirin,” Light says and drags L along to the bathroom where he quickly locates the bottle in the bathroom cabinet above the sink. Light is still having trouble sleeping and L has a theory that the lack of sleep is giving him headaches. Not everyone is as used to surviving on only a few hours of sleep as L. Again, L decides to take pity on Light.

“Well, since we’re already here I’ll ask Watari to bring some dinner for us. What would you like?”

“I don’t really care. But nothing sweet, please.”

They both move to the kitchen where L turn to the nearest security camera. “Watari could you please bring some Belgium waffles for me from that place down the street? On the way would you be so kind as to pick up something for Light as well, but not from the same place.” The camera is semi-visible and they have been living here long enough that there is no doubt in L’s mind that Light has already noticed it.

There is no answer but L is sure Watari has heard him, and will deliver the food in less than 30 minutes, so he sits down at the kitchen table. A moment later Light joins him.

“When I was seven an older boy broke my arm because I made him look stupid in front of the other students in class,” it takes L a moment to realize what Light is doing and when he does Light has already continued. “I do actually like ice cream but rarely indulge in it. I know the lyrics to the first three openings of Pokémon despite never having seen a single episode and only having a vague grasp of the premise of the anime.”

So Light has decided to play the game while they wait for their food. L feels like smiling but refrains. Instead he takes a couple of minutes to consider the different “truths” Light has told about himself. “Could you repeat the second one again?”

“I like ice cream, but I rarely eat it,” Light says. Of course it is impossible to tell if it is a lie by simply looking at Light. A lot of people could pull off telling this lie without giving anything away, it is such an innocent lie and it is part of a game, nothing serious.

“Why do you rarely eat it if you like it?”

“When you stated the rules of the game you did not say that you were allowed to ask follow up questions,” Light says with a smile.

“Ok, well that one could go either way. I have never seen you eat ice cream and you usually dislike sweet things. However, there are too many flavours of ice cream for me to believe that you dislike them all. Thus, my guess is that that one is true. I know that the first one is a lie. I think that even back then you were too polite and too smart to embarrass another kid in class. Also, I looked through your medical journal early on in the investigation and it said nothing about a broken arm.”

“You looked through my medical records?! No, wait, of course you did. I don’t even know why that would surprise me.”

“It was relevant information for the investigation. The last claim is more difficult... It could be a half truth, maybe you know the lyrics to the first two. Or, you know the lyrics to all three but that is because you sometimes watched the anime as a child... I think it is a lie or a half truth.”

“Well you got two out of three correct. However, one out of those two you only got right because you already knew the answer, and so that one doesn’t count.”

“Which one did I get wrong?”

“I do like ice cream,” Light says, a smile spreading across his face.

“And you do know the lyrics to the first three openings to Pokémon.” L actually gives a small laugh.

“Yes, but I am not under any circumstances proving that to you by singing them. If you do not believe me I can write down the lyrics.”

“That is truly a shame. But, please, do write down the lyrics,” L gets up and produces a pen and paper then sits down and patiently waits as Light gets to work.

“Here you go. Now I believe it is your turn to tell me three things about yourself,” Light says and hands the paper over to L. L reads it over while he considers what to tell Light. The lyrics for the first opening is correct, no surprise there. L actually has no idea whether Light got the second or third openings correct since L does not know the lyrics for those two even in English, much less in Japanese. He will have to look that up later.

“I have broken my arm on three separate occasions, none of them relating to my work as a detective. The longest I have gone without sleep is 146 hours. I usually celebrate Christmas with my parents every year but have been unable to do so since the Kira case started.”

Light looks amused. “Those all sound like lies, which makes me think that at least one of them is true. Let’s see… 146 is a really specific number, if you were actually to stay up for that long I think you would have been too tired to know the exact number of hours you were awake for or when exactly you fell asleep.”

“Watari told me afterwards, I think he was really annoyed with me.”

“Don’t provide more information, that is cheating.”

“I started hallucinating around hour 122. There was a dead body in a pool of blood, a murder victim, in the corner of the office space I was working from for almost 20 minutes at one point. I knew it was a hallucination so I just kept working.”

“That one is a lie,” Light sounds sure of himself.

“Because you don’t believe that I would be able to continue working while seeing a corpse out of the corner of my eye?”

“No, I have no problem believing that. However, if you really had seen a murder victim while hallucinating I do not believe that you would have told me about it. Even if you could pass it off as a lie, it is too personal. The same goes for the one about your parents.” Here Light’s voice grows softer, L wonders if it comes naturally or if it is a thing Light does to seem more sensitive and likable. “I would have liked to think that is true but I don’t believe you would tell me if it was.”

“And the last one?”

“Probably true. You do capoeira, and you’re good at it as well, so I figure you must have trained for some time. You could have easily broken your arm during practice.”

“You think I am clumsy enough to have broken my arm while practicing capoeira on three separate occasions? Do you really have so little fate in my abilities Light?” L asks in a deadpan voice.

“Well one of those three times were probably you falling out of your chair since you insist on sitting like that,” Light gestures towards L where he is crouching on the chair, feet firmly planted on the seat and legs pulled up under his chin, “even on rotating chairs. I have seen you overbalancing once so I know that it happens. Don’t bother pretending that it could never happen.”

And Light is correct, L remember falling out of his chair upon viewing Kira II’s reply to their video. He does sit normally at times but not frequently in front of others, unless he is trying to blend in or act a part. He is perfectly aware that his way of sitting is peculiar, but he has found that it throws people off and distracts them, which is useful. He is not telling Light that.

“But it helps me think. You should try it, it will increase your deductive skills by at least 30 %”, this is mostly a lie. The pose does help L think and he finds it relaxing, however, he can sit in a way Light would deem “normal” without reducing his deductive skills. Even if he had been telling the truth he would not expect Light to try it. Light is far too dignified for that.

True to himself Light simply shakes his head at the suggestion. “I am aware that it is an ergonomic position to work from if you are seated on the ground. But we are at a kitchen table and these chairs are not designed for squatting the way you do.”

“So how do you think I should sit then?” L asks. He adjusts himself so that he perfectly mimics the way Light is sitting with one leg slung over the other. “Like this? Is this better?”

“Much better”, Light says with a smile “Though, I have to admit that it is very strange to see you sitting on a chair like a normal human being.”

L changes position again; this time placing both feet on the ground, spreading his legs apart while leaning forward placing his forearms on his knees in a casual pose. “How about this?”

Light actually chuckles at that. “You look absolutely ridiculous sitting like that.”

L is about to counter that Light sits like that sometimes when there is a polite knock on the door. L turns around in time to see Watari enter. Watari is smiling politely, looking vaguely apologetic.

“Well, you two seem to be having fun. I am sorry for interrupting but I have brought your dinner.”

It sounds professional and sincere but L knows Watari, and so he can tell that Watari disproves of them getting along. Watari probably suspects that L thinks Light is attractive. Besides neither L nor Light is trying to hide that they both enjoy talking to someone who can keep up for once. So naturally Watari is worried. He has not mentioned it to L, and L highly doubts that he will unless L does something truly outrageous like take Light to bed.

“Don’t worry about it. Thank you for getting dinner for us,” Light says. Watari smiles and nods in their direction before exiting the room, leaving the two of them alone again. Light gets up in order to fetch cutlery for them and soy for himself. L also has to stand up and move around the kitchen on account of the chain.

“So did I get it right?” Light asks, steering the conversation back to the game.

“You did not,” L answers.

“Really? Which did I get wrong?”

L sighs inwardly because Light is not going to like his answer. “I can’t tell you.”

“Because I may become Kira again?”

“The point, if I may remind you, was for me to study how you construct a lie. Allowing you to do the same with me was not part of the exercise.”

Light closes his eyes for a moment, it is something he often does to calm himself. He does not protest because he knows that L is right. Instead, as Light opens his eyes, he actually smiles. It feels genuine, it draws you in, even though L knows that it is not.

“Of course,” Silence falls between them for a moment as they both return to the table and begin eating. “Have you always sat like you do now?” Light asks in a casual tone shifting the conversation back to where they had left off before Watari brought the food.

“You know your ability to sound perfectly content and friendly even when I know that you are annoyed with me is what makes me think that you are lying all the time”, L states looking Light directly in the eyes.

“Just because I am tired of fighting with you every single day does not mean that I am lying to you. You said it yourself, you know that I am annoyed, so I am not lying. I am trying to act like an adult.”

“Don’t you get tired of acting all the time?”

“I am not acting all the time! Just now when playing your stupid game I was myself! Sure I don’t show my true feelings all the time, but nobody does that. Can you truly say that you are being yourself at all times?”

“I guess not,” L admits flippantly. “But you did say that you wanted my help with recognizing when you aren’t being yourself. I am trying to learn to do that. And I wish to understand if you putting on a façade is because you want people to like you, or if it is because you are trying to hide something.”

Light shrugs looking away. He does not answer the question.

“It might be useful for me to be able to tell when you are playing a role and when you are being you…” L prods.

“You want to know if I have any tells when I’m acting you mean? If I did and I told you would not that be counterproductive? I seem to remember you telling me that if I told you what to look out for it would be meaningless because then all I would have to do to avoid suspicion is to avoid doing any of the things I mentioned?”

“And I seem to remember you telling me that by letting me know what to look for we could effectively limit Kira’s options and make things more difficult for him.”

“I am going to need another aspirin after this”, Light sighs. “But ok. Fine. Just give me a moment, acting comes quite naturally to me at this point. I have never reflected on the details on how I go about it.” Light is quiet for a moment. L quietly munches on his waffles waiting for light to collect his thoughts. “I suppose that if I react strongly to something or act in a way that is… undignified… I am probably being genuine. Those reactions are more difficult to fake without overacting and I would not choose to behave in such a manner. I do it when I am alone or when I forget myself. Faking strong emotions is tricky, it is easier to simply uphold a calm and collected façade. I suppose that is why you are always so expressionless?”

“Maybe that is just how I am.”

Light makes a frustrated noise and leans back in his chair. “Come on L, you can’t even give me that? It is insignificant, it won’t affect you in any way”, L just gives him a blank look. Light sigs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “I know why we are doing this but you have to understand that it is difficult for me. I have to tell you everything, you want to be able to basically read my mind. I get no privacy, yet you get to keep all your defences up and your secrets safe. It puts us on a very unequal footing. It makes it very difficult for me to be honest and open with you.”

“You are the one who was Kira at some point. And you did ask for my help. This is me helping.”

Light hides his face in his hands. “I really wish that we were not chained together right now so that I could stand up and storm out of this room, dignity be damned.” He removes his hands and gives L a tired look. “Let’s just finish our meals in silence and get back to work.”

L rarely regrets the things he says, every sentence is carefully planned, every word considered and weighted before uttered. This, however, is one of those rare occasions when the plans go wrong. He wishes that he could take his words back, make them unsaid, and have the conversation end in a different way. He did not need to be so harsh. He could have told Light something small and harmless, right? But what if Light finds a way to use it against him? L is left feeling guilty, and he hates it. The waffles seem bland and soggy all of a sudden so he ignores them in favour of fidgeting with the fork.

* * *

L is putting his computer aside, it is 2:24 am and he is feeling exhausted. Maybe he will be able to catch a few hours of sleep despite everything. Or maybe he will lie awake for hours, as he so often does, his brain refusing to shut off, instead going over details of the Kira case, or of previous cases, in minute detail.

It takes a while but in the middle of going through all of the clues and trying to determine who out of their seven remaining suspects are most likely to be Kira, for maybe the thousandth time that day, L is actually starting to drift off. That is when a quiet distressed sound startles him awake again. For a couple of seconds L is annoyed at Light for waking him up. Then he realises that Light is having another nightmare. L sighs and gets up. Firstly he switches on their bedside lamp, it does not wake Light but now L can see him. Light’s face is taunt, his eyebrows pulled together and his mouth pressed into a firm line.

“Light wake up, you’re having a nightmare”, L tries, gently but not quietly. It fails to wake Light, he just mumbles something incomprehensible. L moves so that he is crouching next to Light’s bed and places a hand on his shoulder, it has done the trick on previous occasions. This time Light does not startle, he simply blinks awake. However, when his eyes meets L’s own they have a haunted look in them.

“You were having a nightmare”, L explains. He leaves his hand on Light’s shoulder wondering if it will have a calming influence. He hopes so but thinks that it probably only serves to confuse Light. Or to expose himself.

“I was…” Light mumbles. He sits up slowly. He does not shrug off L’s hand so it remains on Light’s shoulder. “Thanks for waking me”, Light’s voice is muffled by sleep and he sounds far way, like he went straight from the nightmare into another dream, or, like he got lost somewhere inside his own thoughts. Although, L knows, that in a matter of seconds Light will pull himself back to here and now. He will smile, apologize for having woken L up and then pretend to go back to sleep. Suddenly the thought of that is unbearable. Light is so clearly hurting and L cannot sit by and witness it anymore for a number of complicated reasons. Reasons that have been building ever since he linked them together by that godawful chain. He has to do something, find some small way of making Light feel better, even just a little bit better.

“If you don’t wish to go back to sleep we could maybe go to the kitchen? Find something for you to eat? Or drink?” L says, careful to not let his blank mask slip.

“No, I’m fine”, Light turns his head so that he is looking at L. He still sounds far away. Then his eyebrows pull together and all of a sudden Light is back. He gives L a considering look which makes L feel like an insect pinned under a magnifying glass. It is not a feeling he enjoys. It makes him feel exposed and he wonders how much Light knows. Light is good at reading people and he is good at judging emotions. Maybe he is able to read L as well. L is unsure of what he would see. That L is attracted to him? That L cares about his wellbeing? That he actually likes him? They are all true.

Would Light use it against him? It is not unlikely. Light did admit that, if necessary, he would be capable of using someone’s emotions against them.

“Are you sure? Is there anything else I can do for you?” L asks, doing his best to act unaffected. His hand is still on Lights shoulder. He should move it.

Light opens his mouth. Then closes it again. He seems to struggle with himself for a bit before sighing. “Yes, I… Would you mind sitting with me for a bit? While I calm down?”

“Of course”, regretfully L removes his hand from Light shoulder. The hand feels tingly with the ghostly remembrance of the feeling of gripping Light’s shoulder though his pyjamas shirt. He is about to move back to his bed when he sees Light moving over, leaving space beside himself for L. This is new. It makes L wonder if Light is playing with him. Maybe he has been found out and Light is trying to get closer, trying to manipulate him further.

A bit hesitantly L sits down next to Light. It is a small bed, built for one person. L tries to leave some space between them, but unless he wants to sit with all of his right side hanging off the bed that is not possible. Instead he ends up with his left arm pressed up against Light in a rather uncomfortable manner.

Light does not say anything. L glances over at him, he seems to be lost in thought again. Not wanting to break the silence, and honestly feeling rather lost in this entire scenario, L stays quiet, focusing instead on balancing on the bed and on not leaning too heavily on Light. Even though he wants to. Maybe he has to focus on not doing it precisely because he wants to.

There are two possible explanations to what is happening right now, L thinks. Either Light is trying to manipulate him and the strange mood he is in right now is all an act, or, he is actually hurting and in need of being comforted. Considering Light’s problem with nightmares the second explanation is far more likely. If Light actually is suffering right now it feels even more wrong for L to be thinking about how nice it is to sit like this. It feel wrong to be suspecting him. The fact that L is able to think about all of these things at the same time makes him think that he must be seriously messed up.

“When we capture the current Kira, what if that gives us enough proof to tell that I was the original Kira? What will happen to me then?” The question is spoken quietly. L glances over at Light who is looking down at his hands. He is fidgeting which is very unlike him.

This is where L should say something comforting and reassure Light that everything will turn out alright. That would be a lie and L is tired of lying to Light. Light would see right through it anyways. He would be angry at L for lying to him and draw back. And right now it feels as if Light is genuine. If that is indeed the case then L has to be careful or Light will never try to open up like this again. But if L is too reassuring then Light will wonder why L all of a sudden tries to sugar coat the truth. He will start to question L’s motives. The thought makes L uneasy. The best thing to do in this scenario is probably to tell the truth...

“If you regain the power and I can prove that you are murdering people I assume that you will be put on trial.”

“You assume?”

“I think that is how the Japanese system works? When there is enough proof to convict the guilty party is where I leave the case and lawyers and judges take over. That whole process is tedious and often drags on forever,” he sounds callous even to his own ears and he winces internally.

“So when there is enough evidence I will be handed over to the justice system to be tried, convicted and imprisoned. Or do you think that they will kill me? I think I would prefer that to living with myself, knowing that I murdered all those people.” The words take L by surprise. They scare him, and very few things manage to do that. Why has he never considered that this might be something Light has thought about before? He knows that Light has a strong moral compass, knows that Light aspires to perfection. Those are two of the characteristics that made him the prime suspect of the Kira case, because together they allow a person to justify his own actions as Kira. But the combinations can just as well make a person condemn themselves to death.

“But Kira doesn’t deserve an easy ending like that,” Light continuous. “Not after all the suffering he has caused. Even if I am Kira I would not deserve it. When I told you about my suspicions about me, I told you that I have no right to ask for special treatment. That is still true.”

The fear eases slightly, Light will not allow himself do to anything rash. Not yet.

“You are not Kira right now, and for as long as you remain yourself I will not have you face trial for something the ‘you’ right now did not do. Even if we can prove that at some point you were Kira,”

“You cannot promise that,” Light says, “what if I performed the killings out of my own free will? What if I chose it?”

L considers lying, he could say that even then he would not hand Light over to the authorities. The truth is that he does not know how he would react in that scenario. Could he hand a Light with no memories of being Kira over to the police? Would that be justice?

Instead of answering, L moves his arm to link it with Light’s, letting his hand rest on top of Light’s wrist. L would put his arm around Light’s shoulders but the chain is in the way. This will have to be enough of a comfort.

Silence falls between them. L glances over at Light, but Light is not looking at him. Light is looking down at their hands. L matches his breathing to Light’s and tries not to think, to simply lose himself in this moment. It does not work. A part of him is angry with himself, telling him that he is not doing this to console Light, but for his own selfish reasons. Another part is panicking, telling him that he is revealing too much, or that Light already knows, and that he is playing right into Light’s hands.

They sit in silence as the minutes pass.

“I met Penber on the day of the bus highjack. I remember him showing me his FBI badge. I thought he was collaborating with the hijacker, I asked him to prove to me that he was not…” Light trails off. L says nothing, he knows that Light has more to say so he simply waits for the other man to continue. And Light does. “Naomi Misora, I was probably the last person who saw her alive. She was at the police station, she wanted to talk to one of the investigators working on the Kira case. We talked, but I can’t remember what we said. But she reviled her name.” Light looks up, his eyes lock with L’s. “I knew both her and Penber’s name before I met you.”

Not only that, L thinks, but Light has just admitted to another strange gap in his memories, similar to the one concerning how he met Misa. “You never told me this before because you knew I could use it to prove that you were Kira. Why are you telling me now?”

Light gives a small, pained smile. He is looking down at their hands again.

L has no idea what it means.

Eventually Light lies down. L attempts to go back to his own bed when he feels Light’s hand lightly touch his wrist. It feels like Light is asking him to stay so he does. He tells himself that Light has nothing to win by manipulating him right now. At least nothing so grand that Light would be able to justify the manipulation to himself. The most likely scenario is that Light need something to ground him, or someone to comfort him, and the only person available is L. But that is not quite right either is it? Light confided in him, does that mean he trusts L?

L is reminded of his decision to believe Light when he says that he does not have any memories of being Kira. And he does genuinely believe Light when he says that he does not wish to become Kira again. He can feel himself relaxing, although slowly. The thought of how nice it is to sit like this floats through his head again.

The next morning he wakes up still sitting in Lights bed. His neck and back hurts. Light is still asleep next to him. In order not to embarrass himself or Light, L quietly moves back to his own bed. When Light wakes up L is sitting on his own bed typing away at his computer as if nothing has happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I first entered the Death Note fandom back in 2010 everyone thought Misa annoying and dense, including me. Now, 10 years later, I am glad to see that we have grown as a society and are ready to see that Misa wasn't just a dumb blond. After going back and re-reading some of the manga I was quite impressed with her. She knows that she and Light was Kira I and II for maybe a week or more without L or Light suspecting a thing. She also manages to sneak away from Mogi, trick Higuchi into reviling that he is Kira, make him pause the killings AND record their conversation on her phone. The woman is seriously smart!
> 
> However, since Light dislikes how Misa behaves and how he has difficulties controlling her, and since he mainly appreciates book smarts, I don't think he will ever realize that Misa is intelligent. This is why he is so dismissive of her in this chapter. I think that L was always more aware of who Misa really was, and her capabilities, than Light. 
> 
> The reader should note that, at this point in the story, Misa knows that she was Kira II and that Light was Kira I.
> 
> And yes, the title of this chapter is a Sherlock Holmes reference.


	4. The decision to give in (was it even a decision?)

Higuchi is the new Kira, L does not doubt it for a second. The proof Misa has brought is more than enough to convince him. He would be grateful to Misa but her actions has put a definitive deadline on their plans which forces them into action sooner than he would have liked. But if they wait or try to stall for time Misa will most likely die.

L, Light, Misa and the other investigators have been discussing the new plan back and forth all afternoon. The major points were set soon after Misa presented the evidence but there were still a lot of detail planning left and preparations to be made. L has confidence in the plan but there are enough uncertain variables that he cannot be 100 % sure that everything will go according to plan. This means that he will not be able to stop thinking about it. He will turn the plan over and over in his head, imagining everything that could go wrong and trying to plan for all eventualities.

However, everyone has their orders. Some have gone home for the day, others are off making preparations. There is nothing more for L and Light, the masterminds behind the plan, to do tonight but wait. And sleep. Despite this, Light has not suggested going to bed.

“I suspect neither of us will be able to sleep tonight?” L says giving Light and inquisitive look.

“Yes. Rather important day tomorrow,” on the surface Light looks calm and collected but L has become better at seeing through the mask. The finger tapping away on the desk, the fact that Light seems wide awake even though usually he would be tired at this hour, give him away. Light is nervous, maybe even worried? That is not surprising. Tomorrow night they will most likely catch Kira. L is willing to bet that whether or not they catch Kira is not what Light is worrying about. Light is worrying about what will happen next. L is worried about that too.

“How about a game? I think there are some board games in the common room on this floor,” L suggests. It will take their mind off things.

He expects Light to protest or question his motives, like he usually does, and so is slightly surprised when Light simply answers “Why not” and gets up from his chair.

The two of them head over to the common room together where, just as L remembered, there is a bookshelf stacked with board games.

“How about this one?” L holds up the game for Light to see.

“Sorry?” Light says sounding just as unimpressed as L imagined he would.

“I have never once lost a game of Sorry!.”

“It is almost entirely luck based,” Light protests but he does move over to the table and presents no further objection when L starts setting up the game.

“’Almost’ being the key word in that sentence”, L retorts looking back at Light and giving him a cheeky grin. “I pick blue, do you mind if I go first?”

Light, never one to turn down a challenge, takes the game hilariously seriously. When L moves his final piece into his Home Light is practically glowering at him.

“That proves nothing”, Light states. “I want a rematch.”

L agrees and, to both of their disbelief, ends up winning the following two games as well. L does his best to look unsurprised and like this was the outcome he expected.

“I told you I was good at this game,” he states with his best blank face. Light is looking _very_ annoyed, L suspects that Light is aware that he is being laughed at. L is not the only one who has become good at reading the other. “May I suggest that we pick another game? I will even let you pick so that you have a chance of winning.”

“Sorry! Is not a skill based game. Either you were very lucky or you cheated.”

“Now you are just being a sore loser. It is a very unattractive look on you.” It is not, Light is as infuriatingly pretty as always.

Light moves over to the bookshelf to have a look at the range of games. After his protests about Sorry! being a luck-based game L expects Light to pick chess, Go or something similar. Light has almost no sense of humour, one of his few flaws. So when Light turns around, a big mischievous grin on his face, holding Clue in his hands, L is not at all prepared.

“Let’s see how good of a detective you really are”, Light quips, smile still intact.

L actually laughs.

They begin setting up the game. Light choses to play as Reverend Green while L picks Mrs White. Clue is really best played with more than two participants but they make do. What follows might be the most intense game of Clue ever played. They both try to read each other’s expressions and to get the other one to unintentionally reveal something about their cards. L does his best at following the rules while still lying whenever the game allows and Light is doing his best to act unassuming while still trying to manipulate L. In the end they play through it relatively quickly and Light wins by making a qualified guess.

“Congratulations Light, you have bested the world’s greatest detective at Clue. Clearly you are the superior investigator out of the two of us.”

“Well, I am not surprised. You were a worthy opponent but you are getting old and so your mind cannot be expected to keep up with that of a young person.”

They both smile at each other. For a moment L feels warm and happy, almost carefree. The next moment reality catches up and the feelings morph into something anxious, he suddenly becomes very self-aware. This warm, happy feeling is not new. It is similar to the feeling he experienced when he sat with Light after his nightmare last week, or when they were joking around in the kitchen earlier that same day. Ever since then it has been hard to get rid of, always there when he becomes aware of Light. When they are talking, planning, joking, smiling...

L does not allow himself to feel it. He usually smothers it down, drowns it with logic. And when that does not work he shuts it out with paranoia and fear. He does not want to know about it, does not want to recognize it for what it is. This far he has refused to fall prey to it because it is too messed up. The entire situation is too messed up.

“It is your turn to pick a game,” Lighs says, and leans back in his chair.

So L gets up and chooses another game. They play Guess Who? (twice; one victory each), Monopoly (Light’s choice and to nobody’s surprise he wins) and Jenga (L’s choice. Light is unexpectedly bad at it).

Finally they end up playing Battleship. They play an even game, which is impressive given that Light is probably struggling to keep his wits about him in spite of the late hour. When Light finally sinks L’s last ship L looks at the board with an exaggerated expression of sorrow on his face.

“There went my last ship. Swallowed by the sea never to be seen again”, L declares solemnly. Light gives him an amused look and shakes his head. Encouraged L continues “the captain was a dear friend of mine, now he will be a dear friend to the fishes.”

Light bursts out laughing, which is really a testament to how tired he must be because that was not funny, not really. It is good to see Light laughing. To see him happy. L finds himself smiling at Light, and really, why should he not. This here in front of him is so clearly Light, not Kira. And Light is intelligent, honest, kind and fun to tease.

L feels that familiar feeling take hold but this time he does not push it back.

He has fought this feeling for too long, maybe it is time that he gave himself a break. It is late and he is tired as well and, after all, L is no longer impartial. He cares about Light, about what will happen to him, in a way he should not care about a suspect. He let himself get too close to Light. It is already far too late to turn back.

He decides to let go, to let himself fall.

Maybe falling in love with Light was never a decision at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I enjoy reading fics where my ship play games together. Usually they play chess or pool but I felt like being a bit different (because of course I did) and had them play an assortment of board games I remember playing as a child. I do still really love playing board games but the only one of these I still play is Clue.


	5. The decision to give up

Higuchi is dead. He was murdered, L is sure of that much. The other investigators are still discussing the issue but L and Light are staying out of their discussion. What L would like to know is who did it? There is at least one more Death Note on earth, he figured that out even before the unexpected death of Higuchi. Was the death the work of someone in possession of the second notebook? It is impossible to know at the moment. At least they now know how the murders are carried out. They are no longer working blind, the playing field has evened out considerable.

Knowing about the Death Note and how it works has provided L with further proof that Light and Misa used to be Kira I and II. It fits with what Misa had written in her diary, about showing her notebook to a friend the day she went to Aoyama. The very same day Light was there. And when Light told L of how he and Misa first met he mentioned something about a notebook...

However, somehow, one of their Death Notes ended up with Higuchi and both Light and Misa lost all their memories of everything connected to the Death Notes. That leaves the question, if the police is now in possession of Higuchi’s Death Note, where is the other one?

And then there is the Shinegami. This case is truly the strangest one L has ever worked on. The Shinegami has a name, which should not be as surprising as it is. Her name is Rem. She seems to be cooperating but has yet to provide any helpful information. L will have to remember to ask her about how someone might come to lose all of their memories of the Death Note but he would prefer not to do so in front of the investigation team.

L and Light have not told the others about how they both believe that Light was Kira at one point and that they have been working to prevent him from becoming Kira again. Asking about memory loss right now would just serve to aggravate the team. L will save those questions for later when he and Light are alone with Rem.

“Ryuzaki, Light… the notebook and what has been used to write the instructions in it is not made from any materials that exist on this planet” Aizawa says, interrupting L’s thought process. He has just ended a phone call with the forensic department of the Japanese police.

L winces internally, he had hoped that the lab would not work this quickly. As it is now he can only listen to the conversation that follows. He already knows how it will go and where it will end. If the instructions in the Death Note are written using materials that are not from earth then it must come from the realm of the Shinegami’s. This means that the rules were written by a Shinegami and thus, the team reasons, they must be true. If the rules are correct then the rule on the last page of the notebook that states “if the person using this Death Note fails to consecutively write names of people to be killed within 13 days of each other, then the user will die” makes it impossible for Light and Misa to have been Kira I and II. This deduction relies on the assumption that the rules written down are true and that a Shinegami that they know very little about can be trusted. L very much doubts both of these things. But he has no proof and no arguments that will be enough for him to keep Misa and Light in his custody.

L glances over at Light who has been oddly quiet during this discussion. L understands why Light have not told the others about their suspicions, after all, Light’s father is one of the investigators.

When the other investigators at last reach the conclusion that Light must be innocent, L pretends to agree with them. He even apologizes to Light. The apology is not completely insincere, he is sorry for all that he has put Light through. Still, L knows that Light was Kira. Light must know this as well.

“Thank god”, Light’s father says and places a hand on Light’s shoulder. L can see Light tensing up slightly. Probably involuntarily. It makes L want to apologize again.

“Yes. But we can’t say this case has been completely solved right, Ryuzaki? Is it okay if I continue working on the case with you and the team?”, Light asks.

“Yes, of course.”

“But the handcuffs will be removed now?”, Soichiro asks giving his son a worried look.

“… Yes,” L agrees. A part of him wants to protest this, he does not want to let Light out of his sight until this case is over and done. Until then he cannot be sure that Light won’t turn back to into Kira. He needs to know how the memories of the Death Note were erased from Light’s and Misa’s minds and if it is possible to regain them. If it is he needs to make sure that does not happen, that is the only way to save Light. But he cannot tell the investigators this and even if he did they would not listen. Still, Light wants them to keep working on this case together. L will still see him every day. It will be ok, they just need a little more time.

* * *

Misa is not as pleased by the news that they are letting her go as L would have expected her to be. On a surface level she is her usual bubbly self but underneath it she seems pensive. She declares herself to be overjoyed to be let go but her packing lacks energy and she seems deep in thought, which is unusual for her. L wonders if she is contemplating the future of her and Light’s relationship now that they are leaving the headquarters of the Kira investigation. Though that might just be L projecting his thoughts onto her.

L lets his eyes wander away from the screens of the surveillance system to where Light is sitting a few feet away. Light is once again skimming though the report detailing the analysis result of the Death Note written by the forensic department of the Japanese police. It feels wrong, somehow, to see him so far away. The handcuffs were removed yesterday. Today Light and Misa are going back to their respective homes.

The fact that Light is leaving is something that L tries not to think about. If he did he might have to deal with the feelings that come along with the thought, all of which are unpleasant and veering towards the melodramatic. He is not surprised that he feels this way, on the contrary, it is exactly what he expected. It comes with the whole “being in love with Light”-thing. However, since he was able to predict this emotional response he is prepared to deal with it.

Light will continue working on the case as agreed, they will talk and joke. Nothing is going to change. Together they will unravel how Light has lost his memories, they will find the second notebook and they will figure out how to stop Light (and anyone else too for that matter) from becoming Kira again. They will burn the Death Notes. After all that is finished and done with they will move on with their respective lives and Light will never see L again. L will keep taps on Light though, regularly but not too frequency. Just thinking about it hurts. Maybe he will have Watari do it for him, that might save him some of the pain.

On the screens before them Misa is closing her last bag. Mogi is standing next to her ready to help her carry her things downstairs.

“Let’s all go say goodbye to Misa,” Matsuda says and heads for the door. The other investigators, Light included, follow suit. L stays behind. As he watches the others leave a strange feeling, a bit like freefalling, hits him. It only takes his brain a millisecond to catch up as to why he is feeling this way; it is the missing chain again. His body is expecting a tug or at least some resistance as Light walks away but there is nothing, because the chain is gone. If he had known that handcuffing himself to Light would affect him this much he would not have done it. Hindsight is indeed a bitch.

L watches on the screen as Mogi loads Misa’s bags into the car. The others reach them and he can hear them as they say their good byes. Misa, true to form, basically throws herself at Light, hugging him tight.

“You will visit me, won’t you Light?”, she asks managing to sound very dramatic about the whole ordeal.

“I will,” Light answers.

“Promise?” Misa says. The cameras aren’t able to capture her face from this angle but L is willing to bet that her eyes are sparkling tragically.

“I promise.”

The exchange is… curious. L is not sure what to make of it. Light does not sound enthusiastic about the prospect of the visit but he does not sound as exasperated as he usually does when dealing with Misa. Of course, that might be because the whole team is there. The short scene ends with Light swiftly and elegantly getting rid of Misa by helping her get into the car and closing the car door. He gives a short wave then turns around and heads back into the building. He does not look back.

L cannot remember when Light last managed to handle Misa what swiftly.

The investigators make their way back towards the room they are using as their main office space, the room where L is currently sitting. When they get to the elevators Light excuses himself, saying that he has to go pack his things. L can see him heading in the direction of their shared floor on the monitors. L switches off the monitors, after all he is not supposed to be watching Light and Misa anymore, and heads over to the stairs on this floor. He would like to talk to Light in private and this might be the last chance he has in a little while.

When L arrives to their bedroom Light is in the process of emptying his set of drawers. There are stacks of neatly folded shirts on the bed.

“So, you will continue to keep in contact with Misa even after she leaves the investigation?”, it is not the subject he was going to discuss with Light. What he intended to discuss was the rule on the last page on the Death Note, the 13 day rule which cleared Light and Misa. L wonders if Light too suspects it to be false. However, Light’s promise to Misa makes L curious. Something about it is bugging him. Then again, he might just be jealous. He is certainly childish enough to be jealous about something like this, he can admit that much to himself.

Light stops what he is doing for a moment to glace over his shoulder at L. There is a short paus before he answers.

“Misa was Kira II, she is still a suspect.”

“So are you. Are you implying that by going to visit her you will keep an eye on her and try to get more information for the case? I thought you were against using the way she feels about you for the sake of the investigation?”

Light turns around. He has the slightly tense look where he presses his lips together and half closes his eyes that tells L that Light is annoyed. It makes L even more curious.

“That is not what I am doing. It would have been cruel to say no when she asked in front of all of those people. I don’t wish to humiliate her.”

The second argument does not line up with the first. Light has changed approach…

“If I remember correctly you did tell me that you wanting to spend time with Misa was an indicator that you were no longer yourself…” L says, aiming at sounding flippant. He does not believe in his own words, not really. He is mostly annoyed with Light for making excuses to hang out with Misa of all people.

Light’s eyes meet L’s sharply. It makes L feel like he is under a magnifying glass, like maybe Light can look into his eyes and see what L is thinking. But he cannot turn his head away because then he would lose the impromptu starring contest. Instead he can only sit there as his eyes give away all of his secrets. Because living together may have allowed L to learn how to read Light and to better understand what he is thinking and feeling, but that goes both ways.

“No, that is not the reason why you are bringing this up,” Light says slowly. L can practically see the puzzle pieces falling into place for Light, the late night conversations, the teasing, the lingering glances and now this. “You are jealous.”

It feels like the floor has disappeared from underneath L’s feet. His body wants to freeze up and his mind wants to enter a downward spiral because Light knows. Light was not supposed to know but he does. And this is bad, so very bad. L has to control the situation somehow, has to control himself. He has managed to keep eye contact with Light and, taking advantage of his first response which was to freeze up, has managed to keep his expression neutral. But maybe he did react in some minuscule way and maybe Light picked up on it? And honestly does it really matter now when Light knows?

L has taken too long to answer. He does not know what to say. He has to deny it. Make some sarcastic remark. Pretend to misunderstand.

Light beats him to it.

“Honestly Ryuzaki, you know that I’m not interested in _her_.”

The implication of that sentence, with its emphasis on the last word “ _her_ ”, is so clear that Light might as well have shouted what he truly intends to convey out load. For a moment L wants to believe what Light is implying, that Light too somewhere along the line developed an interest in L. Then it hits him what a blatant attempt at manipulation this is.

So apparently jealousy was not the only thing that made him ask about Misa, maybe his instincts were trying to tell him something...

Light is trying to look a bit flustered and is not quite meeting L’s eyes. He is acting like he gave away more than he intended and is now embarrassed. Acting being the key word in that sentence.

Because suddenly it is so very clear to L. Light is able to manage Misa perfectly and he is trying to imply that he has feelings for L. This Light has no aversion towards using people’s emotions against them for his own gain.

Because he has done so before and now he remembers it.

He remembers others things too, L is willing to bet. Light remembers which side he is on in this battle between L and Kira. He remembers having killed hundreds of people. He remembers that he wants L dead.

And he just realized that L is in love with him.

Light has regained his memories of being Kira and L has no idea when or how it happened.

This realization should truly send him spiralling but instead a strange calm washes over him. If he is right he has just signed his own death warrant. There is no way he can win this. He has to not only prove that Light is Kira, even though the rules of the Death Note states that that is impossible, but also figure out how the memories were transferred back to Light and how to remove them. All of this without Light’s help but rather with Light actively working against him. This would have been difficult before L was in love with Light but now that he is, and now what Light knows that he is, it is next to impossible. Additionally, looking back and judging by how calm Light has seemed these last few days, everything is going according to his plan.

Comparing the complicated win criteria L has to Light’s, and adding that Light already has a plan, L knows that he is going to lose.

All Light has to do in order to win is to kill L.

And L does not even want to win because winning means that Light will die or be imprisoned for life. He knows that Light, without the memories, would want him to keep fighting. Knows that Light never wanted to be this again. But seeing him now makes it clear to L that he is still Light, only changed by everything that has happened. And that is heart breaking.

L knows that Light needs to be stopped but he is just as sure of the fact that he will not be the one who stops him. He would rather die.

He will have to trust in his successors…

L needs to prove this theory though. Or maybe that is just an excuse for his actions. He is going to die so does it really matter?

A few steps carries him over to Light and then he is kissing him.

Light is playing along wonderfully. He pretends for freeze for a second before kissing back.

The kiss is a bit awkward, it was a while since L kissed someone and Light is letting him take the lead on this which is probably a mistake. It is still nice. More than nice. His whole body is reacting to it and he feels warm all over, especially where Light’s hand is resting on the small of his back. He would like to lose himself in this moment but he cannot because Light kissing him back without questioning it just proved his theory. Light is trying to manipulate him.

L takes a step back. Light does not try to stop him, only lets his hands fall to his sides.

“L that was…” Light begins, but L cuts him off.

“I know that you are Kira again.”

Lights whole demeanour changes in a second, from looking dazed, surprised and hopeful it morphs into anger and hurt.

“That was a test? I don’t know what you think that you just proved by doing that. Except… Do you think I am trying to manipulate you?”

Light once said that it is difficult to fake strong emotions. He would do well with remembering that now because his words ring false in L’s ears.

“Yes. And there is no need to cause a scene. You, Light Yagami, have won. Congratulations.”

“Honestly sometimes you are the most… I thought that you… that you might feel about me as I do about you and that maybe now… But I am still a suspect, right? And until the Kira case is solved you will refuse to believe that I might care for you too.”

Light sounds both angry and exasperated, so much like the Light L has annoyed and fought with over the last few months, but L can still hear the lies. However, it keeps him painfully aware of who he is talking to.

“I know that you do not love me. Because I know you,” the trust Light has placed in him and the shared laughs, L knows those are signs of friendship. They were friends. But Light does not harbour romantic feelings towards him, or he would not have tried to manipulate L just now. He would not try this hard to win.

“I also know that I cannot win this game that we have been playing. I will have to be satisfied with that I solved the case and that my suspicions concerning you were correct. Even though I cannot get you convicted for the crimes,” he pauses, what he is about to do is so strange to his person, even the great L must hesitate, “So I have decided to give up. My name is L Lawliet.”

They stare at each other for a moment. It looks like Light is about to start protesting again so L cuts him off.

“I am sorry Light. I know that this is what you were most afraid of and I know that I have failed you. I’m not very good at keeping promises am I?”

“Most afraid of…?” Light asks looking quizzically at L.

“I’m going back to the others. Come say goodbye when you are done packing, will you?”

There is no point in asking the question he came here to ask. He has his answer.

Light says nothing. Honestly it is a relief. L used to think it was dangerous to believe that he truly knew Light. But now, it would be much more dangerous to believe that he did not know the other man as well as he does.


	6. The decision to loose

The heavy metal door to the cell closes behind L but Light does not even look up from where he is sitting on the brits staring down at his hands.

“Have you decided what to do with me?” he asks flatly.

“Yes” L answers. Light looks up at him sharply. He did not expect L.

“What are you doing here?” The words are calm but they have an edge to them. “I thought you would be long gone by now. You told me that you only stayed on a case until there were enough proof to convict the one responsible.”

“I did tell you that,” L confirms calmly.

“So? Have you come to laugh at me?” the corner of Lights mouth twitches but it is difficult to determine if he means to smile or frown. “You can pretend to be above that all you like but I know you do it. I always know when you are, you know, even if you never do it out load,” the way he says it reminds L of the way Light’s mouth twitched, it is difficult to determine if he means to sound bemused or angry. The tone carries just a hint of insanity.

“I am not here to laugh at you. Why would I be?”

“Because you won.”

“Technically I gave up. You won against yourself when you decided to confess to everything. The piece of notebook in your wristwatch was quite ingenious.”

Light opens his mouth as if he is about to protest but then it is as if all of the air just leaves him. He slumps back against the wall, his gaze turns towards the ceiling.

“I know. I won… you won... I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. Why are you here?”

“I want to know why you confessed.”

“Of course you do. Are you hoping that I confessed because I realized that I’m in love with you?” his voice is bemused, almost jeering. The words are meant to hurt but at the same time they sound hollow. L refrains from commenting, he did not come here to fight with Light. The room falls quiet. Light is still looking at the ceiling. L waits patiently.

“No comment, huh?” Light says, breaking the silence. When L still does not answer Light continues, “I confessed because you were right. I am a monster.”

“I don’t recall ever calling you a monster.”

“You should have. Kira is a monster. I am a monster. But so where the people that were killed by the Death Note. They deserved it… But it was not up to me to decide that. I understood that, once I didn’t have the memories. Why is it so hard to understand it now?” That hint of insanity is back in Light’s voice. Before L can think of what to say Light takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. “There were those who did not deserve to die, like Naomi Misora,” he sounds calmer now, the words seem to have grounded him somewhat. “I am a monster. I don’t deserve to live. I should have written my own name in the book.”

L feels cold all over. He does not want to deal with this. He did not think he would have to deal with this when he gave up. He though Light would kill him.

Having to face Light like this, with all his memories intact but without the smooth exterior, without the lies, is exactly why L has not visited Light before. Not since Light entered the room the morning after L gave up and confessed to everything. Nobody believed him at first. But Light had brought proof. The look on Soichiro’s face when Light pulled out the second Death Note and handed it over to L...

“But you didn’t,” L says.

“And you want to know why.”

“Yes. But mostly I am glad that you didn’t.”

“I told you. Kira does not deserve to get out that easy.”

So the only thing stopping Light from suicide is his strong moral compass. That is not very reassuring, seeing as his supposedly strong moral compass allowed for him so become a mass murderer. Silence falls between them. L realises that he is still standing by the door. He moves over to the only chair in the room and sits down.

“No, you do not deserve to get away that easy,” L says firmly. If this idea is what is keeping Light alive then he has to make sure that Light holds on to it. At least until he has something else to hold on to. “I have talked to Interpol and they have agreed to my plan. I suspect Watari might have pulled a few strings too. This means that I have a proposition for you. If you will agree to be handed over into mine and Watari’s custody you will be allowed to continue working with me.”

“No.” Light says firmly, sitting up straight.

They look at each other for a beat.

“No…?” L asks raising his eyebrows.

“That is not a suitable punishment.”

“I think it is. It will allow you to make amends.”

“L I killed hundreds… thousands of people. I can NEVER make amends for that, no matter how many of your cases I solve.”

“It is better than doing nothing and rotting away in a prison cell, don’t you think?”

“But it would not be justice. And if you believe that try asking the people related to the ones I’ve killed. Why are you really doing this? I am not worth this,” Light sounds pleading, as if he is willing L to understand. Understand what? That he should just leave Light alone? That L should let Light be put on trial and convicted in front of the whole world? L simply stares back at Light blankly, as stubborn as ever. He does not want to understand that. There must be some way to persuade Light to take him up on his offer.

“It is not up to the person being punished to decide what the punishment is going to be,” L tries.

“It is not up to you either, you are not a judge,” Light sighs and sinks back against the wall, his eyes wander back to the ceiling. “When you gave up you told me you were sorry. I never understood why. You never promised to save me,” Light says.

“I think I promised myself I would,” L answers with a shrug.

“Well. That was stupid.”

“I find people in love tend to do stupid things.”

Light glances over at L. For a second L wonders if he said the wrong thing, if admitting to it out loud will make Light even more stubborn in his refusal. Then, slowly, Light gets to his feet and moves over towards L. L does not move. He is unsure of what Light intends to do but will let him continue despite that. Light stops in front of the chair, considering for a moment, then he bends down and kisses L. It is a simple close mouthed kiss. L does not kiss back instead he leans back slightly, ending the kiss.

“That is not why I asked you to work with me,” L tries his best to stay calm. It is important that Light understands this. He might be doing this because he is in love with Light, however, it is not some misguided attempt at winning Light over.

Light stands up properly.

“If that had been the case you would not have had to ask me to work with you. I don’t much care what happens to me now. I’ll sleep with you if you want me to. But maybe you don’t want to have sex with me now that I have my memories back. Maybe you wanted to wait until I lost my memories again?”

Again the words are meant to be hurtful and they do cause L pain. Partly because Light thinks so little of him but also because Light thinks so little about his own worth.

“I think that would require you giving up ownership of the Death Note. Something I’ve been told you are reluctant to do. Even so you think that you will lose your memories again?” L asks

“Yes, when you destroy the Death Note that I have ownership of,” the words are spoken almost like a challenge. Light wants to see how L reacts, wants to see if he is tempted. He still does not understand L.

“It doesn’t matter whether you have your memories or not. I am not interested in being with you if you are not interested in being with me.”

“Then you are out of luck. I am not really interested in people like that. Never have been. I used to think I was too intelligent to be affected by feelings like lust and love. But that isn’t the case, I am just broken…”

L feels like he should have understood this. It explains why Light did not want to talk about his preferences or why he was never interested in Misa.

“I think it is called being asexual.”

“Yes. I know.”

“And it does not mean that you are broken.”

“I know.”

“Even if you don’t feel romantic love I know you care for your family. Your little sister?”

“Yes, alright. I love her very much. But I don’t think she, or anyone else of my family or friends, will want to see me again now,” the words are bitter. L can see that Light is sad, that he blames himself.

“Interpol though it best not to inform the public of Kira’s true identity.”

“You mean that you thought it best not to inform the public? How are you going to explain my disappearance then?”

“If you agree to my proposition Soichiro will tell your mother and sister that you did so well on the case that I offered you a permanent position working for me. It was his idea.”

“So he cannot face the shame of telling them the truth.”

Knowing Soichiro it is probably true. At the same time by not telling the rest of the family he is protecting them. The knowledge of what Light has done would only bring them pain. The lie will allow them to continue being proud of Light. And knowing that Light is working for the world’s greatest detective will make them ever so proud.

L is not playing fair and he knows it. But he needs Light accept his offer, even if he has to manipulate Light into agreeing.

“So? Will you work with me?”

“What happened to Misa?”

Light is not ready to fold just yet. However, that was not a no.

“You told me she had agreed to give up the Death Note. She has no memories of ever having killed anyone so putting her on trial seems rather unethical, don’t you think. We will continue to follow her career, just in case.”

“So she is free? I don’t know if I think she deserves it. She is as much of a monster as me, if not more.”

“Well… you told us it was necessary or the shinigami Rem would kill us.”

Light nods. He looks thoughtful. “I don’t want to lose my memories again. And if I do, I don’t want to go on to live a life where I am allowed to forget what I am capable of.”

“I can arrange that. You could write yourself a letter telling yourself about what you have done. Or we could record a message for yourself if you would prefer that.”

“I would prefer keeping the memories. But I don’t suppose I can convince you not to burn my notebook?”

“No. I am afraid that the Death Note is too powerful to exist in this world. And I am worried it would be too much of a temptation for you…”

Light winces but does not try to contradict L.

“Please take my offer. I will ensure that you get to communicate to yourself what you now know to be true. In that way you will keep your memories. If you refuse and I hand you over to Interpol I cannot guarantee that you will get an equivalent option”

“So I don’t really have a choice, do I?”

“You always have a choice.”

Light sighs and L knows that, this time, it is Light who has decided to give up.

“Alright, I’ll work for you.”

“Come along then, there has been a triple homicide in Amsterdam which has completely baffled the police,” L stands up and walks to the door, holding it open for Light. “Watari is waiting in the car to take us to the airport.”

There were so many different ways this case could have gone, if they had made other choices. When L decided to take it on he expected to catch a killer and put them on trial. Then he met Light and soon his expectations for how it all would end changed. He expected it to end with one of them six feet under, but he was not sure of whether it would be Light or him. A week ago he thought he knew it was going to be him. But he was wrong.

This is the end of the Kira case. They are both choosing to end it together, on the same side.

> _“In every single thing you do, you are choosing a direction. Your life is a product of choices.”_

Dr Kathleen Hall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been working on this story for quite some time (long before I published the first chapter here on AO3) and to see it published in its entirety for the world to see feels strange. A good kind of strange :)
> 
> The idea behind this fic was “can I write a mostly cannon compliant fic where L and Light voluntarily end up on the “good side” together”? I wanted to change some things, force them to make slightly different choices, and see if I could get a different outcome to the seires.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who has read, given kudos and commented on this fic, it means a lot! And to all of you who are disappointed that L and Light did not get together by the end, I have begun writing an epilogue from Light's POV. However, I am an incredibly slow writer and can make no promises for when that fic will be published.


End file.
